Kiss and Dare
Dating in Provo can be a lot of waiting for women and I found myself really unhappy with it. I used to think that I had to wait for the guy to text me first before starting a conversation, or wait for the guy to ask me out, or wait for the guy to show interest before I could show interest. But that way of thinking is incongruent with my core beliefs of equality between men and women. After all, I want to grow as equals in my relationship and marriage. Consequently, I have decided to start initiating the action in my dating-the texting, the phone call, the conversation, etc. To not be afraid of being the one to open the channels for opportunity. I have been practicing this scary and exposing approach to dating for the last three months and to this day, I have not made any initiations that I regret (and that is not to say that every outcome is what I wanted but as I have learned from my dating experiences, I cannot control anything outside of myself).
Here is a story of complete initiation and a negative outcome but no regrets:
The Bumble Initiation
A couple weeks ago, I swiped right on a guy on Bumble. Girls have to message the guy first on Bumble and so, I sent him a message. Soon enough, we started talking and I liked how things were going so I told him, "I'd love to get together this weekend." Right after, he replied by asking me to go out for dinner with him the next night. So, we went out for dinner the next day and he dropped me home right after.
The I-Want-To-See-You-Again-Initiation
Several days passed with a couple texts in between. The weekend was approaching and I wanted to see him again. I was conflicted about whether or not to text him but I remembered the commitment I made to myself about taking action if I wanted something. I texted him asking him what his plans were for the weekend. Shortly after, he replied asking to get together later that night. Score!
We went out for ice cream and went to my apartment after to watch a movie. We started watching the movie and I could feel the tension build. Do I hold his hand? Where should I put my hand? Thankfully he put his arm around me which broke the tension and we started cuddling. Before long, he tried to kiss me. At this point, we had spent less than a total of 3 hours together (which included our first date). As handsome as he was, I didn't let him kiss me but we kept cuddling. After he left, I texted him to thank him for the date and he replied returning the same sentiments.
The Worried-Initiation
The next day, I decided to text him because I didn't say anything when he tried to kiss me and I was worried that the experience was going to adversely impact him and I because it I know it didn't make him feel good when I didn't kiss him. I wrote: "I'm sorry if things got a little awkward last night. Like I said, I had a great time and I really like you and I just don't want to rush things. :)".
No response came.
This was bizarre and stressful. I felt like this was something that only happened in middle school or Hollywood. I talked about the situation with a bunch of male and female friends to get a broader perspective. The most valuable advice I received was to talk to him and explain why I didn't kiss him since it was the elephant in the room, to let him know that I really like him, am interested in getting to know him better, and to ask him out. Yes, it required me to be more vulnerable but from experience, being vulnerable gets me further in relationships.
Initiating the Call
I debated on whether to call him to explain myself or tell him in person when I go to pick up my umbrella (I forgot it in his car on the first date). I decided to call him because I didn't know where he lived and didn't want to run the risk of him just dropping off my umbrella at my apartment while I wasn't home and missing my opportunity to talk to him. He didn’t pick up and it went to voicemail. I decided to leave a message saying, "I'm sorry if I made it seem like I didn't want to kiss you on Friday. The truth is, I did want to kiss you. I have learned from my experience that kissing too soon doesn't allow the relationship to amount to anything substantial. Like I said, I really like you and I would love to get together this weekend."… I got nervous and added "If you can give me a call back so I can also know when to pick up my umbrella that would be great."
Initiating With God
It has almost been a week since I left the voicemail and I haven't heard from him but I am not heart broken and I don't have any regrets. I also believe it was an answer to my prayer (even though it took me a while to come to this realization because I was bummed that the reason I would probably never hear from this really cute guy again was because I didn't kiss him on the second date). But I remembered that before the second date, I had knelt down and offered a prayer asking God that I would know whether or not there was potential for anything more serious and I feel like I got a pretty definitive answer.
Maybe he is a player. Or maybe he's dead? This experience has taught me that if I am brave enough to ask for it, then I am more likely to get what I want. With this guy, it was two dates and an answer to my prayer.
