Where Is God In Suffering?
A year ago, I had one foot out the door when it came to God. I was so angry with Him. The thought of praying to God made me frustrated because I didn't see the point. From my experience, it doesn't matter how hard I pray or how faithful I am to Him. He still lets bad things happen. When I was fifteen my dad was deported due to immigration issues and I was left on my own since my mother left when I was a couple months old. I resented Him because from the age of fifteen to twenty, my life was hell and I felt like I was running the marathon of my life and I felt like he should have intervened but He didn't.
I have been on this journey to understand what suffering means and where God comes into play. One of the most powerful lessons I learned was from Dr. Gleave- a man that was my group therapy director for six months and is currently dying from amyotrophic laterals sclerosis (ALS). He helped me keep my testimony when one person in group expressed that they were extremely depressed and suicidal. They cried how they didn’t understand what the point of all this suffering was for. I felt their pain because I too have asked this question to God and to the universe countless times before.
Dr. Gleave doesn't normally participate in group but that day he said, "We believe that god is omniscient, He sees and knows everything. We believe that God is omnipotent- He is all powerful and can do anything like prevent bad things from happening. And we also believe that He is benevolent. That He is good, kind and that if there is something He can do to help us then He would. So where does suffering fit in?" He paused. "My disease," he said as he choked back his tears, "has taught me about humility and compassion more than anything in my life ever has. I see my disease as a gift. Then maybe, suffering is a gift." When he said that, I felt like I had found a piece of a puzzle I had been desperately searching for. When he shared that, it helped me understand God a little better. It helped me give meaning to my own suffering and God's part in it.
I had a conversation about God with my church dad (the man that I place on the pedestal of my life), David. I was slowly opening up to him about my anger toward God in the conversation. I asked David, "What kind of father turns his back on his child?" David replied, "What kind of father takes away a mother? Or lets a child die?" That may sound like an insensitive response but he was answering from a personal place. He had lost his mother when he was a child and has lived his own life of hardship because of it. David's reply gave me a perspective that God doesn't let bad things happen to only me. He lets bad things happen to everyone. David continued by telling me about a blind woman he knew who was angry at God because she knew that He could take away her blindness and heal her but He didn't. He told me how one day, she prayed asking God to heal her and to take away her blindness. She felt she got a response from God saying, "Why would I take away something that you chose?" Ever since receiving that answer, she has taken a completely different outlook on her blindness and adopted a different attitude. That conversation with David has recently become more meaningful for me.
Dr. Gleave is dying. I don't feel like I had enough time with him. His testimony and wisdom profoundly impacted me. He helped me keep my testimony. He called me in February, and I asked him a question that I have been wrestling with forever. I asked him with my voice choking up, "Why does God let us feel so alone?" He replied, "I believe that before this life on Earth, we were never alone and that we were constantly surrounded by people that loved us. And that our time here on Earth is the only time where we will have these feelings and experiences of loneliness and suffering. And He knows that we will be okay. And that God wants to see if we will hold on to our faith." He added, "I believe that Christ can heals us." I replied, "How do you know that?" He said, "Because I feel it." My instinctual response in my head was, "Well, that's not very scientific". For a while, I had been trying to focus on more scientific and measurable ways to deepen my knowledge and relationship with God. But I have learned that using the scientific method was not constructive in building my relationship with God. I also remembered one of the paramount lessons I learned in group therapy. It's the concept of erasing ourselves. I learned that when we try to ignore our feelings or try to repress them and basically say that they don't matter, what we are really saying is that we don't matter. And that is basically erasing ourselves.
I have come to know and accept that our feelings are a valid way to know God, especially on our spiritual journey. I recently came to the realization that if I discount my feelings as a way to know truth about God, then the foundation of my testimony and conversion would be annihilated. The most powerful spiritual experience I have ever had was when I was fourteen and read the First Vision for my first time. I was sitting in a church gym with two missionaries. When I read it out loud, I felt the most beautiful and peaceful feeling I had ever felt. I knew right then and there that God and Jesus Christ really did visit Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove to answer his question. The peace in the room was palpable. One of the missionaries even asked me if I could feel the peace in the room. It was the feeling I felt that made me know that the First Vision was true. So our feelings do matter. They are a valid way to know God. The Holy Ghost testifies of truth and God through feelings.
Before this life, Christ offered to atone for our sins so that he could succor us in our trails and afflictions and that we may return to live with God. In the pre-existence Christ committed to that trial before he came to Earth. And yet, during his last moments on the cross he cried in a loud voice to His Father In Heaven, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt 27:46). Even Christ, the son of God felt that his cross was too heavy to bear and felt that God had forsaken Him.
Maybe that woman agreed to be blind in this life on earth the same way that Christ agreed to suffer in Gethsemane and be crucified. Maybe I agreed to be born into a family where I would be on my own from the age of fifteen. Maybe when we lived with God, we knew the trials and tribulations we would face on Earth. And feeling inadequate, overwhelmed and consumed by them is all part of the human experience that everyone goes through. And that God knows that we will be alright through it all.
Christ has given me peace that nothing in this world ever has. I remember when I was a teenager, a family told me I could no longer live with them and I had moved into my own apartment, I was at an all time low. But I distinctly remember that for about a week, I woke up every morning and felt a strong sense of peace. There was a chair in my room and I felt that Christ was there every morning, sitting in it telling me that everything was going to be okay and that he wanted me to have His peace. I remember how I couldn't deny His presence in my room every morning. I know that when I feel like life has dealt me the worst hand, I can turn to Christ for peace. Christ is my Prince of Peace and all the confusion of the world dissipates when I focus on trying to be like Him. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I would love to hear your feedback, questions or talk to you about anything I have touched on. Please feel free to leave a comment or contact me directly.
